The following is a post that caused me to break a few years of Facebook silence to relay some important points to some folks who I believed needed to hear it, and in the only way that I knew how: with harshly sarcastic realities, humor, and swear words.
- You are not the only fucking person in the world.
- Masks are more essential in preventing the spread of coronavirus, as in from you to other people, because you are not the only fucking person in the world, and your unmasked projectile cough spit can still get in my eyeball, you fucking walnut.
- On that note, plexiglass barriers are there to protect essential workers from you, not vice versa, because believe it or not, you are not the only fucking person in the world, and Charlie the grocery store worker has enough on his plate because he has worked 60 hours this week and his country would rather thank him by giving him an air show than actually paying him a livable wage.
- If you don't care if you get sick, that's your prerogative, but I don't want my 96-year-old grandfather or that super adorable and friendly lady at the corner store down the street catching your Covid because you acted like you were the only fucking person in the world.
- The government is not trying to strip you of your freedom and your rights as an American by asking you to follow a few very simple guidelines. You'd probably know more about what it's actually like to have your rights as an American threatened if you stopped acting like you were the only fucking person in the world and took a quick gander at the long list of black Americans who have been getting killed by police officers long before you were asked to wear a mask to buy some fucking kale.
- If you're throwing a fucking Karen-tantrum about needing a haircut, I've got good news for you: you're not the only fucking person in the world; some people are hairdressers, and they sometimes post how-to videos on YouTube so that you can shut the fuck up and cut your own hair. And if it turns out to be shit, I've got more good news for you: You won't be the only fucking person in the world with a shitty haircut after this either.
- If it's "your body, your choice to work," but not "my body, my choice to abort this pregnancy for literally any reason whatsoever of my choosing because it is literally my body and nobody else's" then please go find a shady skydiving operation and work for them so we can have one less fucking person like you in the world.
- Opening up America before it's ready "for the sake of the economy" will only result in more deaths and more time between now and your next haircut or my next pool game or Matt Perry's next my morning jacket concert. Too bad you're the only fucking person in the world and there was nobody to teach you how to read all the big words in the dozens of reports by people a lot smarter and more educated than you advising against this and warning us of the repercussions of impatience.
- If you're a wingnut conspiracy theorist who thinks this is all a ploy by bill gates to control your life with 5G, then I should tell you about some folks named Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos (who goes by the very clever alias "Alexa"), who are already using algorithms to find out that you are definitely not the only fucking person in the world who wants to buy some pink camo seat covers for your Dodge Neon and heard you talking about it in a dream you had the other night.
- If you think this hasn't brought to blinding light how little this country cares about our middle and lower classes, and how much of an actual literal talking anus the president is, then it's likely because you're wealthy enough to pretend that even if you aren't the only fucking person in the world, it's ok because everyone else is super rich too so yayyyyy.
- On a more wholesome note, millions of people are struggling with anxiety about a million things right now, so remember that you're not the only fucking person in the world and that it's ok to be anxious, stressed, a little fatter, and to ask for help because we are more empathetic and available than ever.
- Don't walk at the speed of a half-dead sloth while 4 abreast on the sidewalk. You're not the only fucking people in the world and I'm just trying to get around you and you're making it fucking impossible. This is a general statement and is not related to the current global situation.
That is all, friends. Wear a mask, be respectful, have compassion, and remember that dogs exist so that's just a great thing that we can all feel happy about.
- You are not the only fucking person in the world.
- Masks are more essential in preventing the spread of coronavirus, as in from you to other people, because you are not the only fucking person in the world, and your unmasked projectile cough spit can still get in my eyeball, you fucking walnut.
- On that note, plexiglass barriers are there to protect essential workers from you, not vice versa, because believe it or not, you are not the only fucking person in the world, and Charlie the grocery store worker has enough on his plate because he has worked 60 hours this week and his country would rather thank him by giving him an air show than actually paying him a livable wage.
- If you don't care if you get sick, that's your prerogative, but I don't want my 96-year-old grandfather or that super adorable and friendly lady at the corner store down the street catching your Covid because you acted like you were the only fucking person in the world.
- The government is not trying to strip you of your freedom and your rights as an American by asking you to follow a few very simple guidelines. You'd probably know more about what it's actually like to have your rights as an American threatened if you stopped acting like you were the only fucking person in the world and took a quick gander at the long list of black Americans who have been getting killed by police officers long before you were asked to wear a mask to buy some fucking kale.
- If you're throwing a fucking Karen-tantrum about needing a haircut, I've got good news for you: you're not the only fucking person in the world; some people are hairdressers, and they sometimes post how-to videos on YouTube so that you can shut the fuck up and cut your own hair. And if it turns out to be shit, I've got more good news for you: You won't be the only fucking person in the world with a shitty haircut after this either.
- If it's "your body, your choice to work," but not "my body, my choice to abort this pregnancy for literally any reason whatsoever of my choosing because it is literally my body and nobody else's" then please go find a shady skydiving operation and work for them so we can have one less fucking person like you in the world.
- Opening up America before it's ready "for the sake of the economy" will only result in more deaths and more time between now and your next haircut or my next pool game or Matt Perry's next my morning jacket concert. Too bad you're the only fucking person in the world and there was nobody to teach you how to read all the big words in the dozens of reports by people a lot smarter and more educated than you advising against this and warning us of the repercussions of impatience.
- If you're a wingnut conspiracy theorist who thinks this is all a ploy by bill gates to control your life with 5G, then I should tell you about some folks named Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos (who goes by the very clever alias "Alexa"), who are already using algorithms to find out that you are definitely not the only fucking person in the world who wants to buy some pink camo seat covers for your Dodge Neon and heard you talking about it in a dream you had the other night.
- If you think this hasn't brought to blinding light how little this country cares about our middle and lower classes, and how much of an actual literal talking anus the president is, then it's likely because you're wealthy enough to pretend that even if you aren't the only fucking person in the world, it's ok because everyone else is super rich too so yayyyyy.
- On a more wholesome note, millions of people are struggling with anxiety about a million things right now, so remember that you're not the only fucking person in the world and that it's ok to be anxious, stressed, a little fatter, and to ask for help because we are more empathetic and available than ever.
- Don't walk at the speed of a half-dead sloth while 4 abreast on the sidewalk. You're not the only fucking people in the world and I'm just trying to get around you and you're making it fucking impossible. This is a general statement and is not related to the current global situation.
That is all, friends. Wear a mask, be respectful, have compassion, and remember that dogs exist so that's just a great thing that we can all feel happy about.